i was alone, falling free, trying my best not to..remember

been thinking about this for a while. the state I'm in. i seem to have no real purpose, no goal, no drive. if it weren't for the fact i want to meet with Deni again and that i want to go to the seaside this summer i would almost invite a car to run over me.will look for further goals, but those are the most obvious ones..selfish bastard, i know.. wasting nights in drunken rages, and why not fueled by some light drugs, isn't a non option, with only the next day hangover as an inconvenient. laying around all day just surfing the net, having a drink and a chat with my friends, playing the occasional computer game, banging my head all night long in a club..those are options for me. doing my job, writing my degree paper, studying, writing all those stupid papers for uni..those are not options. actually, that work related stuff isn't so scary, and it leads to money and i would still do that..as for the rest there is a strange feeling, a mix between fear, sloth, and the plain old not giving a fuck..
blue mood indeed. if i were to draw a line and sum up i think it would be a big negative except in the friends section. for the moment i fell I'm connected to good people. apart from that i see nothing much. i have a sham of a job that still hasn't produced money, just ended a relationship that didn't even really begin, I'm faced with a real threat of failure at uni, and i don't seem to be able, or even want for that matter, to get off my ass.
to top it all off, it's that time of the year when I'm reminded of her, the one that got away. i once told her before going to a football match that football was the only thing that hadn't disappointed me. guess what? football disappointed me, and it disappointed me bad. some of you may not care, may say I'm stupid wasting energy on this. but i care, and it hurts.
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? it will have to be you, because I'm not the suicidal type :P