changes..

i was just chatting with a colleague from uni and this blog came to mind. she was asking me some stuff about tomorrow like what time do we get in and if we have a test paper. she is not the only one that asks me stuff like that, there are other colleagues that do, or did, that. they got the idea that i am the one to ask when it comes to uni stuff. and they used to be right. wasn't a great student in uni but at least i came daily and i knew almost everything there was to know. now i faded. i slowly stopped concentrating, stopped caring. not just at uni. this large forum i'm on. i recently completed a whole year of membership. there was a time when my curiosity was hungry and i knew all the latest gossip in there. shur even nicknamed me "bot" because i had answers about almost everything. now, although i'm a mod and make my presence felt in certain areas newcomers have no idea who i am and ask "older" members about me. i'm almost the stuff of legends now :)))))))).
i grew up alone. yup, i was a loner by circumstance and i came to the point where i both treasure and hate loneliness. maybe because i was lonely as a child i have the capacity to learn certain things on my own. when i wasn't alone i was surounded by lots of aquintances with whom i got along but none were true friends. and this happened for as long time. this has changed, or so i feel. in a short period i managed to meet persons that deserve a closer glimpse at the real me. part of my sense of loneliness is the feeling that nobody really knows me. and altough they don't know me they think they do and pass judgement acording to their view and that doesn't endear anyone to me.
i became close to some persons and to some even closer (physical distance is irrelevant) but i also started droping people from my heart. you see, i was a smart but ugly and nerdy kid so i wasn't exactly mister popularity. this changed over time and it came to the point when i was literally overwelmed by a wave of apreciation from others. this is still somewhat new to me. got tricked by this and allowed myself to get close to almost anyone who seemd interested. i feel i was wrong, a fool. i sometimes saw more there than it actually was and i was eventualy disapointed. no more. those who want to stand by me will do so but my fuse has been cut short and my love went cold. so from a shell i expanded and nowi'm retreating back and burning bridges behind me. scorched earth to satisfy the anger brewing inside me.
although things have techinally changed i still feel it comes down to the same thing, and that thing is not good. it is failure. perhaps it is poor situation management from my side. i don't know. it seems all i do is feed on illusions and choke on reality. i relly on the good in people too much it seems. and my answer to disapointment is anger. i can be quite cold and evil sometimes.
one thing that i hope will never change will be my joking mood which is neverending. even in the trows of despair i put in a mocking word of some kind. i once told someone, someone who ment a lot to me but now i see that it is nothing, that my sense of humor is my way of kicking life in the balls. the best thing about my humor is that it always makes me laugh :P.
well, enough for tonight.
p.s. internet explorer sucks incredibly large amounts of ass. i couldn't access my log in page at blogger. after i installed firefox it worked like a charm.