changes..

i was just chatting with a colleague from uni and this blog came to mind. she was asking me some stuff about tomorrow like what time do we get in and if we have a test paper. she is not the only one that asks me stuff like that, there are other colleagues that do, or did, that. they got the idea that i am the one to ask when it comes to uni stuff. and they used to be right. wasn't a great student in uni but at least i came daily and i knew almost everything there was to know. now i faded. i slowly stopped concentrating, stopped caring. not just at uni. this large forum i'm on. i recently completed a whole year of membership. there was a time when my curiosity was hungry and i knew all the latest gossip in there. shur even nicknamed me "bot" because i had answers about almost everything. now, although i'm a mod and make my presence felt in certain areas newcomers have no idea who i am and ask "older" members about me. i'm almost the stuff of legends now :)))))))).
i grew up alone. yup, i was a loner by circumstance and i came to the point where i both treasure and hate loneliness. maybe because i was lonely as a child i have the capacity to learn certain things on my own. when i wasn't alone i was surounded by lots of aquintances with whom i got along but none were true friends. and this happened for as long time. this has changed, or so i feel. in a short period i managed to meet persons that deserve a closer glimpse at the real me. part of my sense of loneliness is the feeling that nobody really knows me. and altough they don't know me they think they do and pass judgement acording to their view and that doesn't endear anyone to me.
i became close to some persons and to some even closer (physical distance is irrelevant) but i also started droping people from my heart. you see, i was a smart but ugly and nerdy kid so i wasn't exactly mister popularity. this changed over time and it came to the point when i was literally overwelmed by a wave of apreciation from others. this is still somewhat new to me. got tricked by this and allowed myself to get close to almost anyone who seemd interested. i feel i was wrong, a fool. i sometimes saw more there than it actually was and i was eventualy disapointed. no more. those who want to stand by me will do so but my fuse has been cut short and my love went cold. so from a shell i expanded and nowi'm retreating back and burning bridges behind me. scorched earth to satisfy the anger brewing inside me.
although things have techinally changed i still feel it comes down to the same thing, and that thing is not good. it is failure. perhaps it is poor situation management from my side. i don't know. it seems all i do is feed on illusions and choke on reality. i relly on the good in people too much it seems. and my answer to disapointment is anger. i can be quite cold and evil sometimes.
one thing that i hope will never change will be my joking mood which is neverending. even in the trows of despair i put in a mocking word of some kind. i once told someone, someone who ment a lot to me but now i see that it is nothing, that my sense of humor is my way of kicking life in the balls. the best thing about my humor is that it always makes me laugh :P.
well, enough for tonight.
p.s. internet explorer sucks incredibly large amounts of ass. i couldn't access my log in page at blogger. after i installed firefox it worked like a charm.

ask johnny

well, nobody asked me but i'm going to say it anyway :p. i've made a mental list with hot topics or just stuff that seems to cause controversy so this is my opinion about them. read carefully mortals for you are about to be served words of wisdom :)))

let's start alphabetically, shall we?
abortion
this is a real touchy subject and my general opinion is that it's best not t have them at all. reality however isn't that simple. i just think that people should be more careful not to make babies to start with, because most abortions happen because the baby is unwanted and i think there is something wrong with that. it's the womans body and nobody owns it but they have to be careful.

smoking
i don't smoke, never have and hope i never will smoke. i did and i still do a lot of second hand smoking because smokers are everywhere. i would like to live in a smoke free world. some say that is a pleasurable activity. so is having sex, but you don't hear about people getting cancer because their neighbors have sex now do you? if you want to die it's your choice, but unless you can find a way for all the smoke to safely go away you can just shove your pleasure up your ass and see if you like that.
and speaking of shoving things up the ass we get to the next topic:

homosexuals
i'm sticking with women when it comes to sex. i have nothing personal against gay people. it's their choice who the sleep with and i don't get cancer from that, that's for sure :))))) as long as i don't get accosted on the street it's OK (the spell checker disapproves of me writing OK with small letters but seems to be just fine with small letters at the beginning of each sentence. this is indeed a weird world we're living in). i too have that fantasy with two chicks but as far as lesbians go i seem to have an instinctual problem with the fact that i as a man am totally useless to them. gays are OK because there are more women out there for us straight guys (provided they are not lesbian :p ) but bisexuals are annoying because they are just greedy bastards :))) make up your mind.

drugs
drugs as in stuff you use to get high. mary jane, cocaine, heroin and any prescription drug out there which cause hallucinations and other weird effects if taken in large numbers. i know people which smoke weed and on ocasion pop a pill or twenty. the worst part with drugs in my opinion is that with drug dealers and all the crime surrounding it, because in the end junkies are just expressing their free will. i didn't take drugs until now and as far as weed goes i don't think so because i have something with smoking. thought about doing..

alcohol
i like to drink, i do. my favorite drink is bee and i even wrote a post on that topic. i believe that as long as you know what you are doing and you are not risking other peoples lives then if you like it, do it. i'm not very different when i'm drunk as opposed to people who get violent or annoying. i guess drinking is not for everybody. as far as underage drinking goes people do that a lot in my country and at very early ages too i'm sad to say. kids these days seem to start everything a whole lot earlier than my generation used to (i'm 21 in case someone who doesn't know me reads this). i was a kid and i started drinking at the age of 15 (legal drinking age in Romania is 18). hell, my worst ever drinking experience happened when i was 17. you have to be responsible if you decide to drink. it's really up to the drinker.

the war on terror
this is a favorite subject for americans. right, the war on terror. let's get serious and admit that whatever the "coalition of good" or of the willing or whatever is called is doing has nothing to do with protecting u.s citizens or other people. it's about money and power and..and well, that' about it. they are the ones who financed most of the terrorists and now they attack them because they are becoming a pain in the as probably. i just hope that all that crazy shit with suicide bombers and plane crashers wont ever affect me more than it has which is disrupting the programs on TV. in the end it's the people who will suffer the consequences of war and leaders will just get rich. politicians suck.
i sometims enter on sites to check out lyrics from songs and i always laugh when i see a bunch of americans talking about how every song more or less reffers to terrorists and the war in irak. get serious, noteverybody is obsessed with that

global warming.
we're fucked and we're going to die. not much we can do about it now.

diary of a sad man

it's sunday morning..very early in the morning. a group of crazy people is playing mime in a house in a mountain resort. they are having fun. dawn breakes. we had fun..i had fun..and i didnât have fun..i canât look at all of them, or not without mixed feelings.. i'm drunk..well not very drunk but i feel like my brain is swimming in beer and wine. time for some of us to leave home. yes, we should wake radu up, he told me he has to leave first thing in the morning.. bye bye radu..the other ones are late..come on..jedi will miss his train if you mope around. yes, i'm at the station, i'm coming through the back right now. bye bye jedi. i had fun. of course i did. i always have fun with andra. we're just two crazy kids. my cake rules and she knows it.yes..put finetti on it and pretend it has more chocolate that it actualy does. dudes, there is no more juice. wel, you enjoy your coffee. tea for me. i really would apreciate a shower but al l the stuff that comes before and after the actual shower, well i'm not in the mood for that so i guess i'll just go to sleep dressed. good idea. everybody woke up..i'm still standing in bed..i am tired and i have a splitting head ache. i pretend to be asleep when she enters..i can't look at her and i want her to realise that. it's 12 o'clock already and i'm still in bed. went to sleep 4 hours ago. i reminesce last night..moped around without any real desire most of the time. but still i had fun..yet i didn't. wish i would have drunk more..and less..my head hurts. i remember the last time i was in the same house. it was 4 months ago. then i didn't want to go. now i waited for the sweet salvation of the trip back home. i get up. i am hungry. yummy steak, sausages..oranges. no more juice but there is some mineral water. it's warm. kids, don't bother me..go play with someone else. yes, i'm for going to sinaia at the 1400m mark. oh, that means we are leabing in a couple of hours. ok, i'm riding with you now to avoid the cigarette smoke. time to say goodbye to another group. well, it's been kinda fun meeting some of you. thanks for the cooking, you're wife is ok. thanks for still caring about me. and you? well, thanks for acting like i'll eat you..but i realy don't care. hey sis, we'll be leaving in a couple of hours. do you have any travka? yes, i'll wait for the dvd's to be ready. these are different than the versions i have..but i still sing along. time to get ready. is she ready? she's not coming? ok, i'll ask. yup, you were right. she said she'll leave by train. time to go. get my pack. i'm saying goodbye to you now. you are kissing me and i don't really feel like huging you so i just slightly lay one hand on your shoulder. bye. won't see you.. a hug for my sis. ok, now we're realy going. stop counting mister owner..we will all eventualy leave. i really want to go home. i don't want to stay there any longer..but why do i feel like crying? it's not because i'm leaving. maybe it's because i will not be coming back the next time. yes, i dont feel like coming back.. well, it was fun. take care of the kids. bye.
goodbye.
and yet i had fun.