anniversary of an uninteresting event

well..i don't think it's been a year. i mean it happened maybe 10 months or something ago... it's just that the feelings seem to come over me again. the bad feelings. the emptiness. depression. insanity. thought i was wiser. maybe i am. maybe i'm just dramatising this the way i always do, making a big deal out of something that isn't really that bad. i don't know anymore. there is light and then comes darkness. the same old reasons. the same old issues deep inside of me. feelings of emptines, frustration. i'm not a good person. not now i'm not. i'm selfish, petty.i still know right from wrong, but right now my right comes first despite any wrong done to others. sorry if i snap. i can't be compasionate at a time like this. not when something that i fear seems to show it's ugly head again. what does this babble mean?
let me tell you a totaly dull story about a boring person, namely me.
about a year ago i was happy. about a year ago it was snowing or something like that. i remember a certain walk in the park with a certain person. it was snowing. it was so beautiful. she was so beatiful. i was so stupid. cold black days were actualy good. then reality set in. i was dreaming and the dream was about to come to a very abrupt end. it's really a mess and i can't remember it all..but sadness is related to the warm days. so maybe you can understand why i'm not totally happy with this curent streak of warm sunny days. they remind me of everything. i'm not that insane,, i'm not flipping my lid just because the weather reminds of that. i'm stupid and i repeat mistakes..or, i don't know..it isn't clear. it never is. the same person..am i still dreaming? will this turn into a nightmare again? no..because now i know how it was before and i will not let it happen again.
to add to the old, here comes the new. and this new stuff is shocking to me. i'm sick and tired of feeling like the sky just fell on me. there has to be some easier way to take in news like that. another girl...
well...this goes to prove i am really stupid..i don't know. i'm here. she is very far away. there is absolutely no real thing connecting us. now it seems there will never be one.
once again i'm bitter, jealous of others happines.. sadness, anger..the aknowledgement of my own selfishness.
once again i'm confused and afraid. i see that there are some things that i just can't control. i play with fire and i can't control the extent of the burns..and it burns..

p.s.: anniversary of an uninteresting event is a song by deftones